no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
