things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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