My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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