Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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