I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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