I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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