Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
