We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
