When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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