did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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