I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
