I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
