How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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