Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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