She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
