Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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