you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
