At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
