youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
