Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
