he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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