Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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