I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
