my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Mom said you looked used
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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