If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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