I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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