no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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