me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
