i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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