Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
