Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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