K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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