If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
