I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
