I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
