Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
then he tried to convert me to islam
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
