Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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