He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
wow bdsm is so cute
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
