I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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