I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
