Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
