remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
