Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
