If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I don't deserve a penis
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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