Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
