I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
