you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
