we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
