Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize