I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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