I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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