god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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