If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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