It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
