just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
