I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
