If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
