awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
