I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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