omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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