I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
