I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
