I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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