Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize