He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
stop calling my apartment porn island.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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