So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize