When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
